Do you ever wonder where God is, what He is doing, or what He wants you to do? This season in my life provokes these questions. I spend hours with Him in the morning, talking, reading His Word, listening at His feet. The past few weeks, we sit across from one another, legs akimbo on the floor. Sometimes we play checkers. Sometimes we hold hands. Sometimes we just sit quietly. I feel very close to Him in these times, and it is wonderful. He is bringing inner healing from anxiety and fears long buried in the dusty corridors of a child's memory. He is bringing physical healing from a brain injury that occurred in March. He is healing relationships and restoring my family. He is moving. So why am I not satisfied?
As I write, my heart changes. I begin to feel His Presence. I feel loved. I write this from a bedroom in my parents' home, a place where God sent me to heal. He also sent me here to be a healer...not that I would declare His Presence all the time or pray over family members constantly. He sent me here to be who I am, who He made me to be - someone who loves Him deeply, wants to talk about Him and share what He has taught me, someone who wants to walk naturally supernaturally.
I am healing physically, able to spend more time around crowds and loud noises. Thankfully, this includes more time in the sanctuary during worship. This is tremendous progress and a wonderful blessing. It also leaves me wondering what is next for me. The Lord is speaking to me about spending 2/5 of my time outside the U.S. He is speaking about ministry and missions, part-time work, China, Taiwan, and Thailand. He is also speaking about school abroad in the next few years, perhaps something in global public health. He is speaking, and I love that. Still, I am struggling.
I have learned to trust Him through the best of times and worst of times, but I am struggling to trust Him fully in finances. Circumstances with a company and job loss have left a mountain of debt. He tells me He will pay all of it, canceling my debts. He has been speaking it for nearly seven years, and I am struggling to understand what He is doing and how He will do it. I am nervous, anxious, and I have to let it go. And I need His grace to do this.
I do not know how He will provide for me. I do not know where He will take me or when. I do not know how He will move. But I know these things: He has a plan for me, a plan to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). His thoughts toward me are precious and in such great number that I could not count them all (Psalm 139:18). I am the apple of His eye (Zechariah 2:8). He forgives my sins and heals all my diseases (Psalm 103:3). And I know that He rejoices over me with singing (Zephaniah 3:17). He is an awesome God. He is our Tower, Strength, and Refuge, the God of angel armies who fights for us. He is our Savior, Redeemer, Comforter, Guide, Truth Revealer, Deliverer, and Friend. He is our King and our loving Papa who delights in us, His precious children. So even though there are so many things I don't know right now, so many things I wonder, I must hold fast to the truth of who He is and what He thinks about me. After all, He is who He says He is, and He never changes (Malachi 3:6, Hebrews 13:8). Praise the Lord for that.
So in the midst of turmoil and hardship, I am pressing into Him, looking to Him for guidance, next steps, wisdom, revelation, and understanding. I am looking to Him for help, that I may enter His rest, something He promises to those of us who believe (Hebrews 3 and 4). And I am looking to Him to give me the grace to trust Him more. I want to move on from this place, but I want to receive all that He has for me here more than I want to be comfortable. It is important not to waste the time we're in, however wonderful or painful it may be. It also is vital to press into Him and ask what He has for us in this season, this place of rest or unrest. When we go deeper with Him, we are guaranteed to receive His love and all the beauty and peace that comes with that, and all the wisdom, revelation, and grace to receive it, too. He promises that when we call to Him, He will answer us and tell us great and mighty things we do not know (Jeremiah 33:3). What an amazing promise. Our God loves us, wants to be with us, and He wants to reveal Himself to us more and more and more. What an amazing God we serve.
In "being" in this time and place, I also want to give. I want to move and breathe, feel His Presence and release His Presence, praying and prophesying, healing and delivering just as He commanded and empowered us to do. Yes, even though I sometimes feel confused and lacking in understanding, I want His Kingdom to come through me. I want the world to know who He is and how much He loves them. I want the world to know what He's really about. Yes, that He came to save us but also that He came to empower us to live this life now and restore His dominion on the earth. There is so much I want to share, so much I want to do. And while all this is important, I also hear His voice saying, "Rest." He assures me that through rest, He is restoring me, that it isn't about what I do, but rather, it's all about Him and what He's doing. And I trust Him with this. I've seen Him in action. He has healed me from infections, cancer, and MS symptoms, and restored a brain, heart, and body with many injuries - just to name a few. He has shown me His love and kindness in so many tangible ways. He has shown me He is always there in times of desperation and that I can depend on Him to deliver me. He has redeemed much. He truly is my Guy. So when healing and release come from this season in my life, I can trust Him, and we can move forward together to the "next" He has for me, wherever, whatever, or with whomever that may be.
Until next time...
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing (NKJV).
