This makes me extremely sad—that I
would think I do not matter to God after all He has done and continues to do
for me. How could I be so selfish and
ungrateful? How could I belittle His
existence to increase my own worth—or perhaps it is the position I hold in my
eyes that is the problem.
I know that life isn’t about
me. I know that God can carry out His
plan without my participation. But
that’s just it: I want to play a part. I want to contribute a verse. I’d like to contribute a chapter if He’ll let
me.
Does anyone feel else feel the way
I feel? Or is it worse than that? Does everyone feel this way? Does everyone struggle with where they fit
and how? What is this life that the God
of the universe should think of me? Yet,
He does. Jeremiah 31:3 tells us that “He
loves us with an everlasting love.” That
means something to me. It means that He
always considers me and always did from the moment of creation.
Think of it. He considers me, which means He considers
you. Whether you are in the depths of
the deepest bondage known to man or soaring like an eagle in the freedom only
God can provide, He considers you. You matter.
I matter. He has a purpose and a
plan for us (Jeremiah 29:11). He hears
us when we cry out to Him. He hears us
when we ache in utter silence. He hears
us. And He intercedes on our
behalf. He wars for us. He carries us. He feeds and clothes us. He gives us everything we need exactly when
we need it, even if it isn’t exactly what we want. He cares about everything—EVERYTHING. Did I say everything? I mean EVERYTHING! He cares about what books we read, the
clothes we wear, the foods we eat, the television we watch, the conversations
we have, the people we marry, our childrearing techniques. Friends, sporting events, parties, pastimes,
future times, current times. Are we
present? Are we in the moment? Do we allow Him into those moments, those
memories or opportunities? Do we stop to
listen to what He has to say? He’s
there. He cares. He wants to know us in the most intimate
way. He wants to interact with us as the
Lover of our souls. He wants to be our
Deliverer, Comforter, Healer and Friend.
He wants to be our Everything.
Oswald Chambers said that “No love
of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart is satisfied by God
first.” When we let Him into our hearts,
He performs miracles. As we let Him into
the deepest recesses, He heals us. He
gives us a new heart, replacing our selfishness, bitterness, anger, hatred,
rage, heartlessness, and pride with His Love.
And with His love comes His mercy and grace. Then, there is hope and a deeper
understanding (hopefully) that we are the object of His affection. We are His greatest love, and He is ours
whether we know it or not.
We have deep desires to be loved in
complete and unconditional ways. Only
One can provide it as we need it, and that is Christ. He placed in our hearts a yearning for
eternity. He created us to want Him, to
need Him, and to never live apart from Him.
Yet in this fallen world that is exactly what we do (some “effectively,”
some not so effectively).
We try to live life our way, at the
helm, in control. But our Maker did not
design us to live like this. He did not
design us to be in the driver’s seat. He
designed us to participate in the plans He has for us that He might give us a
life more abundant.
Even when we don’t want to live
this way, it is fairly easy to get tired of waiting on God and jerk back the
reins, only to our detriment. How often
does that happen? For me personally, I
have lost count.
Some of my deepest regrets are when
I have rushed in without His permission.
The others are when I have stood in fear and insecurity and disobeyed
His command to go. Neither is amenable
to what I, in my heart of hearts, want to do and that is follow Him in complete
obedience. His will, not mine. At least that’s what I want to want.
The Lord has led me down a path of
forgiveness and healing during the last four years that has catapulted me into
a life of doing His will. I don’t always
get it right, and I admit that sometimes the last thing I want to do is
converse with Him about one subject or another.
Sometimes I am tired of praying and want to just do it—whatever “it” is. And then, after my departure and to my
chagrin sometimes tantrum, He pulls me close to Him in His gentle, affirming
way and I ask Him to help me try again.
The thing is I need
Him—desperately. I love my life—most of
the time. He has given me some really
rewarding work to do. I am thrilled He gives
me the grace to do it. But do you ever
have a bad day? I do. And sometimes I don’t feel the grace I need
to be effective for Him. Sometimes I let
it get the better of me—when I am tired or frustrated, otherwise known as easy
prey for the enemy. This does not give
me an excuse to live in that lack of grace.
Instead, it is a call to His throne where I can rush before Him boldly
in all confidence that He will hear me, and humbly in complete reverence to Him, asking for the things I need: His
strength, courage, grace, mercy, love, even a smile. I can ask Him to fill me to overflowing with
all that He is so that I am adequate and able to do all He calls me to do. Most especially loving Him and those He
places in my path.
Only when I remember that it is not
about me and all about Him, only when I remember that He is the only One who
can fill me, am I suddenly able to let go of all that weighs me down and be His
representative where I am not concerned about getting the glory—instead where I
am unabashedly able to give everything over to Him and shout from the rooftops
“to God be the glory great things He hath done.”
