It is the beginning of a New Year and I have never felt less certain in my life. I once thought I knew where I was going, what I was going to do with my life, what I would be when I grew up. But now I find myself with more questions than answers.
I had just helped my mother pick out paint colors for the
new house. It was a short trip to the
family farm, and I was going home to resume my life. Then, in a split second, everything
changed. A driver crossed the center line
and came straight for me. Suddenly, I
was rolling. Pause…
This is nothing new for me.
I have had accidents before.
Landed on my head and shoulder going somewhere between 35 and 45 miles
per hour on a three wheeler. I also have
rolled a car before traveling home on an icy road. Not to mention countless other accidents and
head injuries. Needless to say my
guardian angels work overtime.
At first, I thought I was fine. I had my wits about me, rolled down the
window of the passenger window and stood up.
The people who witnessed the accident were thrilled to see that I was
alive. I was mad, knowing that the Jeep
was totaled, and the driver who caused the accident didn’t stop. My parents came and collected me. The Jeep was towed away. I had hit my head but had no cuts or broken
bones. All was well…I thought.
When we arrived home, my seven year old nephew was
relieved. He hugged me and said he
understood how much my head hurt because he had just lost a tooth. What great comic relief.
As the days passed, I prayed a lot, nothing out of the
ordinary for me. I also received great
prayer, something I know has helped tremendously. However, after returning to my house, I became
sad, then angry. I couldn’t watch
television or listen to music because of the headaches. I returned to work because I didn’t have any
vacation time left. Things that never
bothered me began to stress me immensely.
And an already stressful situation became even more stressful. I finally realized I was experiencing the after
effects of a concussion.
With previous head traumas I never paid much attention to
the warnings and never considered the cumulative effects to the brain. After trying to stick it out with work, it
became apparent that my brain could no longer handle average sounds, talking,
music, especially loud music. I suddenly
had difficulty processing information. I
couldn’t be on the computer or phone for very long or remain in public for any
length of time. And I didn’t know what
to do. In two months’ time I had a brain
injury, lost my vehicle, lost my job and then my house. Where to live?
I moved into my parents’ new home, which was quieter than
being in town. I lived in ear plugs. I tried to read and spend a bit of time
outside. Still, months later, I am
limited in how much input my nervous system can handle. This experience has given me insight into how
people feel who have anxiety or other cognitive impairments that cause
overstimulation of the brain. I see how
people can become overwrought easily and avoid the madding crowds.
Sometimes I feel like I am starting over. I believe Jesus is my healer. I also realize that there is great resistance
in this fallen world. And because of
this I wonder how long these limitations will last. “Is this it?”
“Is this all the more I will be able to do?” “Will I have to consider life with restrictions?” I want to travel again, do mission work,
speak and teach about nutrition and health God’s way. Will I be able to do these things, work
again, live on my own again? Will things
change, or is this the new me… I wonder?
And then I think how grateful I am to be alive, to be able
to move. Oh sure, I can’t always
remember certain people, but I know who my family and friends are. I know that I am loved and that I have a warm
bed in which to sleep, food to eat, and hope.
That’s more than most. I also try
to focus on what I can do as opposed to what I can’t. It is in that where I find the most
hope. I love to write, even if I can
only do a little at a time. I love to
read, and I can do more of that than I could 3 months ago. I love to cook, and my parents have a
professional oven, a kitchen that belongs in Architectural Design Magazine, and
an abundant supply of organic foods. My
creativity in the kitchen is pretty good most days, and I am creating. I even sewed a monogrammed satin pillow case
for my nephew for Christmas. I love
photography and am thinking about asking a friend who is a professional to
critique my work. I have ideas for
business but those have to be put on hold for now. Still, I enjoy the interludes with my nieces
and nephew. And I loved getting to be
there for my sister during a crisis. The
time with family has been more than a blessing.
It has been healing. And so, even
though I am on the receiving end of a major curve ball, all is not lost. Sure, there are hopes and dreams that I may
never realize. But that makes way for
new hopes and dreams. And while I don’t
know what those are, I am open. After
all, I’m alive, and that’s the first step to anything new.
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